The Death of Introspection

In the not too distant past, I came to the self-realization, rather ironically, that I am not a very introspective person. I go about my day-to-day blissfully unaware of my own thoughts and actions. This is probably why some would consider me spontaneous, but in truth I just don’t think shit through. Why is this?

I have some theories…probably wrong.

#1. Not enough hugs as a child. (Since my mother will probably be the first person to read this, I’d like to clarify that this is a joke.)

#2. Not enough self lovin’…(Since my mother will probably be the first person to read this, I’d like to clarify that this is not a joke, and I’m sorry you had to read about it on a blog.)

#3. Not enough Sunshine and Rainbows… (Mom… Seriously? Alaska? What were you thinking?)

#4. Because it’s lame…I use introspection to fall asleep.

#5. A dependence on my cell phone and social media….( Sorry mom, I probably should answer your texts…)

All jokes aside, I am incredibly dependent on my phone and social media. The fact that you are reading this, and I am taking the time to write it on my computer, proves as such. Last night in a moment of clarity I turned off my phone and shut down my computer. In the few moments of introspection before sleep, (the 8 full hours I got…holy crap balls!!! This is actually possible?!) I realized that I haven’t been willingly away from my phone since I purchased it. And to top it all off, I haven’t been away from my phone unwillingly for more than a few days even still. Yeah, scary.

There was a period of about two days in which I went without in 2009. I call it the impossible shot of ’09. From my bed, with eyes closed I tossed my phone to the side, somehow managing to sink it into a glass of water 2 feet to the left and away from said mattress. The only sound being the solid cushioned thunk of phone against glass bottom; A shot I would be loath to make to this day given 50 phones and utter determination. Swish? The two-day grace period between the cries of horror at what I had done, my face lit only by the light reflected mockingly through a clear prison, and the purchase of a new de-vice was based solely on the time it took my pay check to clear the bank.

There were also a few three-day periods in 2010 when my boat made its way to Port Etches and we were without internet and cell service.

That’s it. I can count on one hand the number of times my phone has been away from me for more than a few hours in the past 5-8 years… This might have something to do with my crap memory, but I’m pretty sure it’s more to do with the physical withdrawals I feel at parting from my life-line.

All this phone time equates (in my mind) to one thing…why would I need to be introspective and take time to get to know myself, when I can play angry birds, text a friend (or 15, in case that one doesn’t respond within 5 minutes), or channel surf Facebook? Who is Brittney, but a quirky Facebook post or a snarky text? I turned off my phone last night, and as of yet I haven’t turned it back on. I’m hoping to give myself a few days to really think about what that means to me, and maybe even take a minute to get to the meat of this person I claim to be. I’m obviously not without media… seeing as how I’m writing this blog, and I’m sure I will get it out there by posting on Facebook… but, give me a break!! It’s been many, many years, and I’m taking baby steps here!





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