First off, I’d like to commend the San Francisco 49ers on their tremendous ability and overall awesomeness, which has resulted in a spot in the play offs this year. Go SF! Your great offense and stupendous defense is the stuff of legends… All should bow before your superior abilities, and good luck against the Packers!
These thoughts are genuinely my own. No one has told me to write this, or forced me at gun point to tap, tap, tap away at the keyboard during this post. Saying that…I have been completely and utterly brainwashed to adore the 49ers from a very young and tender age. I don’t watch football on a daily basis, and have an incredibly limited idea of the actual rules. I know the football is made of pigskin, there are four quarters, and I’m almost certain it is required that each team have one player with long voluptuous hair. If asked to comment on techniques or strategy I will stare at you blankly, eyes glassy and lips twisted in confusion. This, however, does not deter me from being completely loyal to San Francisco. A lovely city which I have driven through once in my entire life….Good Job dad!
Are you impressed? I am…So here is a list of techniques which will enable you to brainwash your innocent children into rooting for your sports team of choice… for life!
1. When they are young, put them in one-sies sporting your team colors! Do it all time, and take lots of photos. You might even have to change their clothes when your significant other is not around…Be diligent. Looking back at old family photos I see my self in little 49er get up, and I see it so often…it just feels right.
2. Create some sort of strange celebratory food item and bust it out when your team wins! To this day, mashed potato sandwiches still make me jump up and down for joy!…Cheap white bread (or 12 grain if you’d like..depends on how cheap you are… your feeding your children starch with starch, so your either irish, or cheap…), mashed potatoes and mayo. That is it….Yes, it really is that easy.
3. During games, shout excitedly and spin your children around with joy whenever your team scores. Nothing gets a kid laughing and loving like the old spin technique.
4. Boo all other teams and make the “unhappy” face when they score against yours… Get your child involved…If from the ages of 5-10 they are convinced to make a sad face every time another teams scores…it will leave a lasting impression.
5. Tell them they have no other choice, and tell them convincingly. If they truly believe they don’t have one…what other choice do they have?
6. Buy them sports gear to wear as they get older, and threaten all of your family members with dismemberment if they purchase any other sort of sports memorabilia for them. I am convinced there are many burned and buried raiders jerseys, shirts and hats that were meant for my brother and I in the back yard of our old house… I can see my dad spreading lighter fluid over them in an old trash barrel, laughing maniacally and hissing at the bums who come looking for a heat source…No, we did not actually have a trash barrel…But, whose to say he didn’t hide it in the garage and pull it out for special ceremonial burnings?
7. Reward them for good behavior (Cheering for the correct team, wearing their desired fan wear, and booing all other opponents). Punish them for bad behavior…Don’t be gentle either. Time outs, loss of allowance, and in extreme cases grounding can be an extreme deterrent in your child’s ability to think for themselves. Be ruthless..!
8. Pray..And hope. Pray that your child is as malleable as I was, and hope that they stay that way.
So there you have it… A short list of ways to manipulate and brainwash your child. It worked for my dad, and it could work for you too!
Happy watching, and go Niners!…